My daughter Megan started her first real job this past Spring. You know – the kind where she has paperwork to fill out and the Canadian Government is aware of her pennies earned.
She was hired as a Swimming Teacher and Lifeguard for a local University, and as I dropped her off for this new stage in her life, like so many moments lately it seems, I thought to myself “How did we get here?”
But I didn’t lament this to her, instead I smiled, waved goodbye and headed back home.
She taught for five and a half hours and every minute that went by I thought about how she was doing. I couldn’t wait to hear all about it (note the artful use of “I” in that sentence. “I, I, I, me, me, me. Sigh …..)
The hours crept by and soon it was time to pick her up. There I sat in the Acadia parking lot waiting with eager anticipation.
Now keep in mind this isn’t my first time to the rodeo. Meg is 16 years old, quiet in many ways, and like many teenagers is used to being somewhat guarded with her feelings around her Mother (who only in the last year or so has started to gain some credibility as a real human being in her mind!)
And hey – I’m a 44 year old educated professional – I know all the ins and outs of effective communication – ask open ended questions – don’t assume – probe -but only gently.
Yup. I had it going on. One skilled communicator. Check.
Until I opened my mouth.
And the following sentence came out:
“So how was it?”
Now I know. I know what you are thinking.
It’s a pretty damn good sentence.
Honestly. It is.
Short, unassuming, conscience and open ended.
Sure it is.
But it’s me. Have you MET me?
Those four words in print are an entirely different beast when spoken out loud by Mamma Wilkie. Because they are, in my world, spoken with a vocal enthusiasm, optimism, assumption and gratitude that is unparalleled.
And let me tell you – it’s not always helpful.
So there I am with my high-pitched sing-song eager voice spouting those four words.
So how was it?
Cue the completely unintended (but none the less present) expectation that the correct answer is “incredible!”
If dancing unicorns wearing rose coloured glasses could have flown out of my mouth they would have.
Oh my. OH MY!!!
I truly don’t mean to do this. And I so much don’t want it to be how I come across. But I have realized I often do. I have also realized that somewhere, somehow, the following happens:
Instantly the air is filled with an unspoken expectation. The bar is set. And we as a family are going to clear it. We are going to be the most thankful, optimistic, positive family this world has ever seen. Because we have been given everything. Everything. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
We get to be the lucky ones. And so we give back 100 fold. We are grateful 1000 fold. We have perspective. We know what the most important things are in life. Period.
Hold on there Miss Karrie-Ann.
That’s a bit of an unreasonable bar there isn’t it? Let’s take a minute.
It IS a pretty tall bar – and written all over that bar says: We are over privelaged people who are so lucky to live, work and play in this incredible life. It says positive energy attracts positive energy. If you smile the world smiles with you. The more thankful you are the more you have to be thankful for.
Blah. Blah blah blah blah
As we would have said in the late 1980’s “gag me with a spoon”.
But you see … the truth is … my unbridled raw truth is this … i believe in it whole heartedly … almost as a religion. That positive thought, gratitude and energy. It’s real for me – not trite or disingenuous. It’s not trendy or “just a quote”.
But the other truth is this:
It’s not fair.
It’s not fair to my family – especially those teenage ones filled with a myriad of emotions so close to the surface.
We all need to be allowed to feel what we feel when we feel it. We are all allowed really bad days. We are all allowed to not be brimming with gratitude every moment of the day.
So I’m learning. I’m learning and I’m admitting to my biases.
I’m learning that even if I’m thoughtful about what words I say or what questions I ask – I also need to be thoughtful about my tone, my eagerness, my anticipation and my unconscious expectations.
Because while gratitude, positive energy and optimism are among my closest companions, they can’t possibly serve me or my family in every situation all the time.
Otherwise I’m little more than a cartoon character named Joy in a certain Disney movie. (A movie which by the way, gets 5 stars in my books … she says with no irony what so ever.)